Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
