Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
