I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
