So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
