you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
