At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Omg I joined a choir last night...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
