pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
