He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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