i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sext me about skeletons
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
