1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
