In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize