dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
