i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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