Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
