question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
