We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
