I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
