I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I lost the right to judge tonight
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
