he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There's always time for handjobs
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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