JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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