guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
