she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
