Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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