He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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