I wish my penis had an off switch
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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