she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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