God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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