she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
