Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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