My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
