He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
