found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
