I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Randomize
