he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
