goodnight i made you a song goodbye
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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