if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
