I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
NoShamevember. You game?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
