Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
