That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
