We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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