Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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