I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
