Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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