so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
