she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
