eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
