I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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