i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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