I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
