Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
