she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
where am i from again
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
