the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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