I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
