I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This is the prime rib incident all over again
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
