During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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