my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
