Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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