just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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