dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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