Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
